It’s been almost a year and up to now, I think I’m still in denial.
I don’t want to discuss too much about you, how our lives were when we had you, Ccino. I guess I’m just in a state where I know you’re not around anymore, but I don’t want to acknowledge it. That perhaps you’re just in that favorite corner of yours resting and sleeping, like you always cutely do. I imagine you’re just below the space in our bed, playfully asking us to look for you. Or maybe just doing your rounds outside, making sure that the family is safe.
Things went by pretty fast. I remember you being weak, not being able to stand up straight. I remember I thought maybe you just wanted to play, so I brought you outside on a leash, tried to run around the area with you and see if it energizes you. But no, it made you weaker.
I have always feared losing you. I know your life is not going to be as long as those of humans, but I believed the world would be fair enough to let you stay as long as possible because of how you changed our lives. But no, your life went through its course and ended young, to my shock! Perhaps, it’s just the way things are meant to be. It’s all planned, I guess. Or maybe that’s just how I want to think about it. Part of all my denying that we have already lost you, and looking to justify that it’s all a usual, vicious, cruel cycle.
I planned on writing something to honor your life, Ccino. Something that ends on a positive, shiny note for everyone who follows my blog to get inspired with. But as I type these letters, I don’t seem to make the words to be exactly like that. Because deep in me, I still can’t grasp and wrap my head around the fact that you’re already gone. And all that’s left in me are memories. Memories that hurt everytime they come to me, can be sweet and happy yeah, but painful all the same. Because as much as you made me happy in all your 6 beautiful years, you make me sad leaving just like that.
I will not rush things. I will savor the happy and the sad, I guess. Perhaps I will keep on denying, for now.
Because one day, I’ll find meaning in all these. Maybe not soon, but eventually.