Gloomy

My grandmother passed away about six years ago, when I was still in college…I have been fairly close to her, VERY close in fact, because I grew up with her. My mom, being a single mother , had to work here in Manila while I was left with my lola in the province. That makes my whole childhood years with her.
I was a church boy because of her, never missed a Sunday of reflection and prayers. She had me join Legion of Mary, where she herself is a member. I was quite active in that organization as I’ve held pretty significant positions in my tenure (I think it was about 6-7 years – my whole six years of elementary school plus one). My Sundays had been filled with church activities, up until 12noon. I can’t forget how upset she was when she was having a hard time waking me up. There were a couple instances where I tested her patience, she actually went ahead and left me still curled in my bed…I was so filled with guilt then that I immediately prepare and follow her. It ends eventually in me reconciling with her sa “peace be with you” part ng misa where I kiss her and silently say sorry…
Her death was not untimely, for she lived 83 years of contentment and simplicity. I was devastated, as everyone considers me her anak-anakan – raising me and all. It was the first time that I actually experienced having a death in the family, and I swear, I wasn’t as miserable as I have been…
It’s just that recently, I’m having these dreams where I see my lola dead and, in a morose twist of events, come back to life again. It’s always the same dream…Are you sending me a message? Are you thinking I might have forgotten about you? Are you despising the way I lived my life in recent years..?
“Of course I miss you even up to this date, especially when I realize the person I turned out to be after you passed away is a long shot from what I was when you were still alive. Right now, I barely see the inside walls of a church, I barely say my prayers..I barely even think about the existence of a Superior Being. From then on, my consciousness has always been about my emotional struggles, my financial and materialistic aspirations..It was so much simpler then. Right, maybe because I was just a kid…But I believe, things may have been a whole lot easier if I have even an ounce of the FAITH that I used to have…”
“I could use a little help you know…just stop the gloomy dreams…”
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